


Smartphones Are Good For Society

by jirihime



Category: Gintama
Genre: Comedy, Contains swearing and graphic images, Gen, Slice of Life, Slight Okikagu
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 01:11:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12996585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jirihime/pseuds/jirihime
Summary: Kagura gets a smartphone, Shinpachi is an internet meme, and Gintoki is drunk.





	Smartphones Are Good For Society

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic and my first short story in a very long time. I'm not a storyteller. I'm an essayist.

“That idiot! This is not funny. I’m going to kill him. I swear I’m going to kill that son of a b*tch!”

“Kagura-chan, what’s wrong?” Shinpachi asked as he hurried inside the Yorozuya house when he heard Kagura scream in anger from the living room. There, he found the hot-tempered redhead sitting on the sofa while looking at her smartphone.

“That damn brat posted something on my timeline explaining an elaborate story about a dangerous criminal and when I clicked the criminal’s profile, it redirected to my own profile.” Kagura explained without lifting her head from her phone.

Relieved to find that it was just a petty joke, Shinpachi sighed and said, “It’s just a small prank, Kagura-chan. No need to overreact.” He used his gentle motherly voice to try to pacify Kagura—something that has become sort of his role in this dysfunctional yet lovable non-blood-related family.

“I’m not overreacting!” Kagura answered as she gave Shinpachi an uppercut, as per her usual reaction to comments that annoy her. “It’s not just a small prank. This guy is so irritating. I won’t let him get away with this.”

Of course, Shinpachi knew exactly who Kagura was talking about even without his name being mentioned. It’s none other than the Shinsengumi First Division Captain Okita Sougo, Kagura’s sworn rival, but Shinpachi preferred the term “frenemy.” The two have been pranking each other back and forth for years. He’s the only person that could rile up Kagura like this. _Wait. It’s been that long?_ Shinpachi asked himself as he remembered how long it’s been since Gintama first aired—it was the episode where Kagura and Okita first met. Because this anime is based on the Sazae-san method of aging, their characters have never grown up from their original age. _I’d probably be a dashing 28-year-old Tom Cruise lookalike by now!_ Shinpachi thought. _But nope, I’m still a_ teenage _Tom Cruise lookalike._

Right as Shinpachi finished his internal monologue, a dropkick came from Kagura out of nowhere.

“Ow! What did you do that for?”

“I thought I heard you say something stupid.”

Shinpachi got up and dusted himself off. “Anyway, Kagura-chan, is that smartphone yours? You have internet access, too. I’m sure you didn’t get that from Gin-san. He rarely pays us after all.”

“Papi paid for it. He called a phone company to deliver it this morning.”

Now that he thought about it, Shinpachi wondered why it took Kagura’s father, the universe’s most famous alien hunter, this long to give her a phone. Kagura had always wanted her own cell phone. She doesn’t say it because she knows Gintoki is poor, but she’d like to keep up with the latest trends, too.

“I see. Oh, it’s the latest iDroid from Mango. Cool.” Shinpachi said as he took a closer look at the phone when he sat next to Kagura on the sofa. The phone looked like the latest model from the famous phone company.

Kagura heaved a sigh as she calmed down from her fit of anger.

“That guy definitely likes me. How annoying,” Kagura said and rolled her eyes, looking disgusted at the thought of the guy she detests liking her.

Shinpachi didn’t doubt Kagura’s bold assumption. It was no assumption at all. She's quite intuitive. Sure, she and Okita have always been fighting to prove who was stronger, but whenever they run into each other, sparks would fly, although those sparks often turned into a wildfire that burned everything in sight, including public property, _especially_ public property. Knowing Okita, Shinpachi was certain that his wild antics were his twisted way of trying to get Kagura’s attention.

“But I hate him. I hate his guts. I want to smash his head in, pull out his intestines, and use it as a jump rope. Then I’m going to pull out his d*ck and stick it into his a*****e. Wait, that reminds me of D*ck Butt. Then he’ll be D*ck Butt.”

Kagura proceeded to grab her stomach from laughing at her own joke.

“D*ck Butt?” Shinpachi asked.

Kagura wiped the tears of laughter that welled up in her eyes and said, “Huh? You don’t know D*ck Butt?” Kagura tapped through her phone and showed Shinpachi a photo. “This meme.”

What Shinpachi saw was a phallic figure with big eyes, a wide smile, and a set of d*ck and testicles sticking out of its rear end.

“That looks gross. And you have an entire folder for memes?”

“Of course. I even have memes of you. Here’s one that looks like you’re being harassed by that T-shirt ninja assassin from episode 208.”

“Oi, don’t keep creepy screenshots like that!”

Shinpachi almost barfed in his mouth from looking at that outrageous scene. _How is taking people's shirts off and replacing them with a smaller sized one a ninja technique?_

“And here’s a photo of a pair of eyeglasses and sunglasses having a conversation. That’s you and Madao!” Kagura chortled in her amusement.

“I’m not just my glasses! And Hasegawa-san isn’t just his sunglasses, either. That’s not even funny anymore.”

“It never gets old, Shinpachi. This is so going on Twitter and Facebook.”

“Don’t do that, Kagura-chan!”

“All right, all right. Just Instagram then.”

“That’s just as bad!”

“Oi, what are you kids yapping about? It’s too early in the morning.” Gintoki’s unmistakable slurred voice came from the hallway. He looked like he’d just pulled his head out of the toilet after vomiting his insides from drinking a night’s worth of alcohol, which was what he was definitely doing.

Kagura greeted him by snapping a photo and saying, “Gin-chan, you look like sh*t.” She took the opportune moment to capture a photograph of the disheveled Gintoki, with his naturally wavy hair looking extra frizzy and his face resembling a zombie from Shaun of the Dead.

“Eh? What was that, Kagura-chan?” Gintoki was momentarily confused from hearing a camera shutter noise. “Did you just take a photo of me? Did you take my good side?”

“Yes and no.”

“Where did you get that? Don’t tell me Sadaharu has been eating phones again. Finding owners of lost of items is so troublesome, especially when we don’t get paid for it.”

Gintoki remembered that one time Sadaharu pooped out three cell phones, and although he was happy to return the phones to their owner, he was sad to see Kagura heartbroken from giving up her newly acquired phone. But what could he do? He’s dirt poor. How could he afford a cell phone for her? He can’t even buy one for himself. Besides, the Yorozuya home phone was enough for running his odd jobs business.

“It’s not from Sadaharu’s poop, Gin-chan. Papi gave it to me, and I just took an ugly photo of you I can use to blackmail you,” Kagura said with an obvious snicker.

“Oi, don’t you dare post compromising pictures and videos of me. I have an image to maintain.”

“If you mean the image of a middle-aged loser who gets drunk every night and can’t function in the day, then you have nothing to worry about,” Kagura retorted.

Shinpachi saw the outcome of this argument flash before his eyes. Kagura would resort to punching Gintoki square in the nose to shut him up. Before a bloody mess would ensue, Shinpachi interrupted them.

“You guys, what are you arguing about?” Shinpachi asked and was doing the motherly act again. “Gin-san, you don’t have to worry about Kagura-chan posting compromising photos of you. She’s going to tag you anyway so that you know what’s going on.”

“How is that reassuring?” Gintoki rebutted.

“And Kagura-chan, why don’t we do something fun today?” Shinpachi asked. “We could go around town and take nice pictures with your iDroid.”

“That’s a great idea, Shinpachi,” Kagura said in excitement.

“You kids and your selfies or whatever you call it. You go on along. I need to get some sleep,” Gintoki said as he staggered to his bedroom, ready to get a proper snooze.


End file.
